I Am Not Ashamed
Back of the Book
Literary Nonfiction. Memoir. Film. Women's Studies. I am Not Ashamed, first published in 1963, is the absurdist tale of a forgotten movie star's unnerving decline.
When sleazy journalist Leo Guild arrived at Barbara Payton's flophouse Hollywood apartment, he was surprised to find that the thirty five year old former actress was working as a prostitute to support her alcohol addiction. He brought her cases of cheap wine, turned on the tape recorder, and she began to speak . . .
Surreal and often depressing, I am Not Ashamed is an anti memoir: as Payton reveals intimate moments of her life, she slides down and down the wormhole of her memories and watches her life in numb horror. Unable to recover or make any changes, Payton remains locked in admiration of her brief Hollywood fame.
A self proclaimed "con girl in specialized areas of living," Payton is pathologically self destructive. Her favorite topic is men how she used men to get ahead, and how they used her. In its bizarre frankness, I am Not Ashamed follows in the autobiographical tradition of Jack Black's You Can't Win and Liz Renay's My Face for the World to See, and the literary tradition of Fyodor Dostoyevsky's Notes from Underground and William S. Burroughs' Junkie."
We Love It Because
Payton’s bleak demise is rendered thoughtfully in her own words, which reflect her jaded outlook on the Hollywood life, as well as reveal a surprising clarity and conviction regarding her actions and the methods she uses to cope. Barbara Payton’s I Am Not Ashamed lives up to the promise of its title, allowing its readers to act as witness to the emancipatory potential of narrativization of one’s own life, and how the way Payton speaks about her own life reveals a separate self - “I was lost…lost in a practical world…an ornament with a heart.”
Memorable Passage
I’d say a woman is like an iceberg. Only a facade shows. The rest is hidden and it takes months, even years, to find out the mysteries of what’s underneath. I swear, once in a week, six men asked me to marry them! They just ask to be taken – what with California community property laws.
About the Author
Barbara Payton (1927–1967) was an American actress and author whose tumultuous life and career epitomized the highs and lows of Hollywood's golden era. Born in Minnesota, Payton rose to fame in the 1940s with notable roles in films like "Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye" and "Only the Valiant." However, her personal life became as notorious as her professional one, marked by tumultuous relationships, substance abuse, and financial struggles. In her autobiography I Am Not Ashamed, co-written with journalist Leo Guild, Payton candidly shared the intimate details of her turbulent experiences in Hollywood. Her life story, characterized by both tragedy and resilience, provides a glimpse into the darker side of the entertainment industry during a glamorous but often unforgiving era. Barbara Payton is worth knowing for the complex narrative of her life, shedding light on the challenges faced by women in Hollywood and the harsh realities that lurked beneath the surface of the glitzy façade.
Recommended By